Jet setting!

My posts this week will be a little late as I’m popping to Budapest for a mini break 🙂 I’m sorry to make you guys wait, thank you for your continuous support. Please stick with me for those few extra days! 

Have a lovely weekend,

K

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My blog has moved

Hello all!

I’ve had a bit of time out to sort this troublesome brain of mine, but now I’m back!

I really want to make a go of this writing thing. While I’ve been gone I’ve written articles and short stories, and now I’m even working on my first novel. I’ve started a new blog which is linked to this account so that  I can have a fresh start from the person I was when I was really unwell.

I’d love to have your support! Please follow the link to my new site and give me a follow!

https://kayleighnicoleblog.wordpress.com/

Thanks,

Kayleigh (Hysteric)

 

Small Victories

Dear Diary,

It is the day after I duelled with darkness and I am feeling victorious.

The sun rose this morning above the dreary clouds and seemed to smile consiprationally  at me through the curtains of my room. I woke feeling woozy, a side effects of the drugs which help me in this fight. I have an exciting week planned, but somehow – despite the victory of the night before – I could not bring myself to prise the sheets away from my body and crawl from my den of blankets.

I eventually dragged myself out of bed at midday, a minor loss to me as this is what the darkness wants – me missing in action – absent while life continues without me. But my new mindset wants me to remember that a minor loss is nothing in the fullness of war.

The day did not end while I was in bed, it had only begun, leaving me with an opportunity to retake the ground I had surrendered this morning. I got ready and shot myself an encouraging smile in the mirror before leaving the house. By five I was feeling more positive because regardless of how the day had started I had fought my way from my bed and into the unfriendly world where I had created an enjoyable day for myself.

As I pen my reflections into you now I think back on all of the days in my past where a lie in had inevitably become a wasted day, where I had given up on this turn of the clock before I even rose from my bed. Days when a weary me had given up on life in a set of circumstances terrifyingly similar to these.

I have come so far my darling diary. Another small victory in this war has been won today, now all I have to do is fasten my armour and endeavour to enjoy the small joys along this gruelling journey to the light.

Love E

x

The First Battle

Dear Diary,

This infestation of darkness is not contagious I am told, and yet it has managed to infect 1 in 4 people each year. I wonder how it manages that. I know you don’t have answers for me, that you won’t respond – you are, after all, just a piece of paper on which I scribble a mismatch of thoughts – but I ask anyway.

Is it that the darkness enters people at night while the light is absent and darkness is at its strongest? Perhaps its shadowy fingers push apart the curtains and creep silently inside while its victims sleep.

Or is it in the cold instead? While it is while its shivering victims pull their blankets or coats closer around themselves to keep the cold out that the darkness slips its icy fingers beneath them and grabs hold of their minds.

Or does it fights its way in? As we live our lives does the darkness batter people with loss, fear and pain until they surrender. Maybe all are true to an extent. Whatever your perspective the darkness is gaining footholds in this war – mind by mind – it takes its land and sets up camp and uses its powers to bewitch the people it has invaded.

Darkness is settling in for the night as I write.

The air is growing crisp and the earth damp as the sun falls below the horizon and the sky turns first a deeper blue and then grey. Street lamps illuminate their perimeter, fighting off the darkness in their territory, and cars switch on their headlights to reveal a clear path on the road. People inside click lamps to ‘on’ and fill their homes with a cosy orange glow and make themselves comfortable in front of the television.

I remain outside.

There was a revelation you see – we have a power within us that is capable of fighting this darkness. Each human is given this ability when they are born and discover it only if they are strong enough to seek the path of a Warrior against Darkness. There are pills which can enhance this ability in us, I take one of these and head out to do battle.

Today I am testing my abilities. Instead of a light I will turn on the music which has become my armour. Instead of tears I will wear a smile as a helmet – regardless of how difficult that may be. I inhale deeply and take in the cold night air, it is fresh and calming. I watch a patch of clouds waltz across the sky.

The darkness approaches steadily across the garden and stands above me. I stand with it.

“I will defeat you” It whispers.

“You will not.”

“You are weak” it is a little louder now.

“I have become strong, and I will become stronger” I retort.

“You will become weaker, and you will destroy yourself”

I stand a little taller and pick the edges of my fingers anxiously.

Destroying myself would hurt everyone I care about, I know I will never do this again. The air still smells like a Summer evening and faintly of tobacco smoke. I smile and the darkness leaves. This small battle is won.

I sit back down and run my fingers along the damp earth. Even in the dark, the darkness is not king.The light also lives in the beauty of small things and I will never allow the darkness to defeat me.

Love E

x

Despite its flaws

Well Christmas is over, or Christmas day at  least and some small remnant of the ‘Christmas Spirit’ which involves people acting unlike their moody, antisocial selves still remains. Passing strangers in the street greet you with a smile or perhaps even a ‘Merry Christmas’ rather than the usual aversion of the eyes of feisty glance up and down your person as they make judgements on you based purely on your clothing, makeup and who you are with.

Last night my brother and I walked home from my Nan’s, I inhaled toxic smoke, he kept his lungs clean and we accompanied the walk with cheerful chatter about the day’s events. Approaching us were a gaggle of staggering middle-aged couples… they smiled at us, wished us a Merry Christmas, and then one of them proceeded to stumble into a bush. Upon arriving home we settled into the living room with the remainder of our family (who had driven home) and spent the rest of our Christmas talking while my mum crocheted, I read and my brothers texted… I don’t recall the activities of my dad.

The point I am trying to make is that Christmas can make us behave differently. While it would have been usual for me to walk home alone, and then retreat to my bedroom with the book (an ever present companion) on this occasion we compiled ourselves in the lounge of our house – together – and indulged in an evening of time spent together. Similarly it would be unusual for a group of middle-aged professionals to greet a teen and young adult on the street.

My job as a writer is to provide a commentary, or a critique on life – or at least that’s how I see it. I look around me and absorb the details of the world, then I embellish them through my choice of vocabulary and present them to others who have perhaps not been so observant, or who simply want to hear another point of view. While my commentaries on this often grim world are ordinarily just that – grim – my opinion of Christmas is that despite its faults and the consequences of it (debt, family feuds, overeating etc.) it can bring out the best in people.

After New Year the old manner of things will no doubt return, people will revert to their old ways of refusing to associate with those outside of their group, and hiding away from their families… but for these few days at least, values of friendship, family, and humanity in general have been resolved.

Merry Christmas, Hysteric x

An inevitable approach

So here it is… merry (or not so merry) Christmas. But regardless of how we fell it comes along nonetheless. In a couple of days hyperactive children will be waking their parents before the daylight even has chance to creep above the horizon. Their parents will fake shock and glee as their kids wave presents from ‘Santa’ that the sneaky adults have shoved into their stockings only a few hours before. Later some will attend cheery church services where a bunch of people will gather together to chatter, sing and watch the littles showing off their new toys. Others will have a lie in (these are probably the lucky ones) and lazily spend their days unwrapping presents and stuffing their faces with turkey.

Some people aren’t so happy about the approach of Christmas. Maybe they lost a loved one and will spend their day wishing they could still spend it with that special someone. Or I guess there are those who never really had a special someone and will just embrace the loneliness that encompasses them as others rest in the arms and smiles of family and friends. Perhaps there is no particular reason for a dislike of Christmas… sometimes the corny overstated music, indulgence of junk food and unrealistic films is enough to bring dread knocking at your door.

But either way, here it comes…

So wherever you are.. whatever your’e doing… I hope this Christmas is as bearable as it can be for you. And at the very least – it’s a good excuse for binge eating!

x

A new normal

Yesterday I read in ‘A Vindication Of the Rights of Woman’ that we ‘do today what we did yesterday, merely because we did it yesterday’. I think this is largely the problem with normality and routine, we grow accustomed to doing tasks and seeing people simply because it is ordinary and happens regularly. But what we do not realise is that just because it is normal doesn’t mean it is the only way we can live.

When everything is stripped away and we have no choice but to live without this normality we are faced with a dilemma – give up or find a new way of living. It is only in this situation that we question the way we used to live and build new routines and find new skills which we would perhaps not have considered before.

Despite my big words and desperation to continue fighting to create this new life for myself I am struggling not to give up… hence the lack of posts recently. For me, crawling out of my bed and facing a new day is the most difficult and terrifying thing that I have to do. But I have begun to consider today whether the way I was living was the best way of doing so…

I was reliant on people far too much, which meant that when they left I was stranded in what I thought was a hopeless place. I miss the glimmers of future hope in the impending start of lectures, new friends and dancing opportunities that wait for me all around, hidden by the mist of my despair. So again, I get up, drag myself into the real world and fight on. It is difficult, but I would encourage you all to do the same, because what is the point in doing what we did yesterday, just because it happened yesterday?